I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
You Might Also Like
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
🤣🤣💀
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.