While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.