COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
This is me
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
THE AUDACITY. 😤
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*