I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
The Struggle
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more