My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is