Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.