Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
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Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady