The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
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“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first