Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.