T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…