Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Great Canadian literature.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Admin smashed it 😂
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My Plans 2020
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.