Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog