*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula