thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
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Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.