Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.