Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
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In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen