I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school