*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
spot the difference
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.