Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?