Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
✌🏽
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building