i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym