Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*