Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.