Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Wednesday
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
philosophical skeletons be like
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25