This meal prepping shit is easy
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
mood
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Saturday
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people