they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
You Might Also Like
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.