Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?