I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins