Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I just ran a .003048K
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD