Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
sistine chapel
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce