At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
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Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.