Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
S O O N
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
reduce, reuse, recycle
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.