airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My dog learned how to text
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*