me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.