[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?