my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
The dark side of Canada
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices