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Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”