Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then