Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Word!
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Ah yes. The three genders
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”