3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
You Might Also Like
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My flabber has been gasted.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Labreador