growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby