How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
You Might Also Like
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
This could be us… but you playing
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.