Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips