The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Is fructose made with real fruct?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me