Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
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Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”