Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
(yawn)
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”