I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.