It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.