Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
*pokes sex life with a stick
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
This makes total sense…
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house