I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
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Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?